About 6 months ago, I wrote a blog post about Shane and I’s “Covid Honeymoon” phase.. I talked all about our struggles and how I expected the first year of marriage to have it’s ups and downs but I never expected it to be a FULL BLOW rollercoaster, or at least not a DAMN PANDEMIC.
But here we are, six months later and that post seems miles away.
Jokes on me, huh, the hardest part was only JUST beginning. What a naïve human I was.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always struggled with anxiety, more so during stressful situations but normally I was able to deal with a few tough days here and there. Never, and I repeat NEVER have I had to deal with anxiety the way that I have in the last 5 months.
Racing heart, tight chest, and a constant knot that permanently resides in the lower part of my stomach. No, this kind of anxiety is foreign to me. This is the kind of anxiety that creeps into my head just as my eyes open on Monday morning and doesn’t disappear until Friday at 5pm. The kind of anxiety that lingers throughout the whole day and somehow manages to sneak its way into my personal life just in time to rear its ugly face. The anxiety that exhausts me, depletes me, and takes from me more than I feel that I have to give.
So now, take a step back and look at this situation through Shane’s eyes. Maybe he thinks; “Wow, I married this woman and now she’s a ball of anxiety that is so tightly wound I’m not sure I’ll ever untangle her”, and yet every morning he wakes up determined to “untangle” his ball of anxiety one string at a time, and that, that is what I HOLD ON TO.
I must hold on to the fact that I am lucky enough to share my life with someone who knows more about me than I do myself. Someone who is bound and determined to live by the vows that we shared on December 7, 2019. Someone who despite my flaws and imperfections knows that deep down I mean well and I lurve him with all of my heart. Even when I do come home and get frustrated over something silly, he will always know its not actually the way he “said” something, it’s simply stemming from what I have been harboring inside from earlier in the day.
In fact, he knows that without him I would be struggling to find something else to hold on to and most likely that “thing” wouldn’t be as sturdy as he is.
So while life is weird right now; it’s unplanned, unexpected, completely uncertain, and quite frankly down right shitty; you must find that anchor to hold on to, to better weather this storm.
Always remember, this too shall pass but sometimes it makes time pass just a little bit quicker when you have that someone or something to hold on to. It might be your spouse or partner. It might be your sister, brother, or even your best friend. It might be the simple comfort of your own home. It might be the dreams and aspirations you have for yourself. It might be the memory of what used to be, the normalcy of it all. Whatever it is, we all have it, and I’m telling you to HOLD ON.
Hold on to that person, that thing. that place, or that memory.
Hold on, and hold on like hell.